Crash and Bern

Well, in light of last week's fiasco, I've decided that, just like Charles Foster Kane's "Inquirer", this noble publication needs some founding guidelines to keep its humble writer on the narrow path of common decency. Other similarities between Welles' famed character and myself include our singular, oft repeated subconscious obsessions (well, I guess mine is not so subconcsious, and is really a dual obsession if you count Dan Fogelberg), and our unbridled ambition and sense of self-importance . I can't say that I've ever "choked on a silver spoon" (although once I did get my color-changing plastic dino-spoon from the Quaker Oats box lodged in my left nostril very badly). However, I believe two examples out of three are enough to prove my fate to follow in the footsteps of Citizen Kane and come to completely disregard my founding principles at some later date. So I figure I might as well jut save myself a lot of heartache and sleepless nights (and the graham cracker opera house I've got in the works) and just make a complete mockery of them now.

1. I will never make reference to the movie "Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol" or any of its subsequent brethren in sub-mediocrity. Any allusion to arcane, childish ciinematic objects of shame unto the ancestors can EASILY be summed up by the first three Police Academy movies. To bring in the fourth or higher would be unspeakably ostentatious and would make the wild presumption that anyone has actually SEEN these movies, which I believe would cost me more readers than it's worth.

2. I will never make fun of the name "Reginald". Seriously, the world's been hard enough on you as it is. I can imagine one of our unfortunately-christened friends wandering despairingly over the vast cybernet wasteland saying "If I don't find a Reginald-friendly site on this next random click, I will develop an eating disorder and/or male pattern baldness", only to find icy-fresh hatred and scorn from CIAI. Needless to say, I have no desire to defend myself against accusations of heartlessness and callous disregard for the psychological well being of a small but absolutely vital portion of society. Seriously, the only thing I'm qualified to defend myself against is the chocolaty goodness of Snackwells Brand pudding desserts, and let me tell you, it's an uphill battle!

3. I will never attempt to describe the taste of Chapstick Lip Balm without using the letter "W"

4. "The Erotic Escapades of Beater Pan and Kinkerbell" will never be required background reading for anything. I promise.

5. I will try my darndest to use correct grammar and proper spelling at all times, except when the context absolutely demands use of words such as "Killa", "Biatch", "h8er", "Playaz", "Crazayz", "Nastayz" or "Aangstrom", which just happens to be a really hard word to spell.

6. I will never aid or assist in the making of a flash movie involving the death-struggle between a small mammal and a houshold appliance unless the small mammal is a Cusus and the appliance is a Goldstar microwave.

There, I think I'll stop.