Pop vs. Soda

Ok, those of you who have spent your entire lives in the Midwest slopping down what you know as "pop" may not be aware that the wholesome, delightfully effervescent beverage that you have grown to love leads a double life on the coasts. I think you know where I'm going with this. Out here in California, boy, it's called soda. Now, before you stare at me gaping, your wife's famous taco casserole dribbling down the front of you Helly Hansen sweater or drop your knitting needles on your foot and cause a serious infection, I must regretfully inform you that there is even more to this sordid tale; down South, they call it "coke". However, since this nomenclature is just so mind-bogglingly stupid, I'll prevent you from having a coronary (or choking on your beef jerkey) and just stick to pop and soda.

The issue came to a head the other night when, between archaeology homework and IHUM reading, my Californian roommates pounced upon a particular utterance of the word "pop". Now, I had been heretofore unaware that there was even the slightest cause for contention in this matter, so naturally, I was curious. Then the roommate from Connecticut walks in and I say to myself "ah, perhaps an ally". But alas, it was not so. Those damn coastal-soda-drinking-elitists! They have no idea how REAL Americans live or what they call their carbonated beverages!

Long story short, chaos erupted; our Cartesian bases were shaken beneath us. And of course, being Stanford students, we pursued the matter to a ridiculous degree and came up with THIS. Forget that damn Roe vs. Wade crap, this is the REAL cultural divide! And I tell you friends, this battle is predicted by John in the book of Revelations, chapter 4 verses 6-7:

"Before the throne was something like a sea of glass, similar to crystal. In the midst of the throne, and around the throne were four living creatures full of eyes before and behind. The first creature was like a lion, and the second creature like a calf, and the third creature had a face like a man, and the fourth was like a flying eagle"

Obviously, the "Sea of Glass" represents Crystal Pepsi, whose second coming will act as a divine catalyst of the end times. The lion represents pop, the eagle represents "soda", the calf represents "coke", and the man represents Kenny G, because you just KNOW that slippery mamajamma gonna have something to do with it!

And so, the scriptures go on, and it turns out that we're all too diabetic and toothless to fight each other because we've been injesting too much of the very beverage whose apellation is at stake and just end up drinking Crystal Lite and watching Oprah, which is pretty much the same thing as the end of civilization, when you think about it.