Bike Rage
To those of you who have been harassing me about my recent lack of posts, I have an excuse. Today's meaty little tidbit were originally to be thrown into your foaming mouths with a side of pictures illustrating each offending cycling habit. However, the loss of a usb cable has indefinitely postponed that little endevour, so instead I'll serve them with a side of 80's song quotes. I know, 'tis a poor substitute, but it was either that or conjectures regarding the size of Kenny G's penis, so please consider yourself lucky. And now we return to our regular scheduled incoherent rant:
The sun does many things. Now, before you adjust your wire-frame glasses, loudly wipe your nose with your shirt sleave and project your hand into the air with the intention of haltingly informing me that hydrogen atoms are compressed to form helium under unimaginable forces only experienced by human beings in level 5, stage 3 of the Dargahort Galaxy in Spaceport 3: Journey to Gortexobran, let me suggest that we look for things the sun does right here on planet earth. Besides making the plants grow and melting my ice sculpture of Dan Fogelberg that I had been working on for 2 months, it tends to bring out bikers. Lots of them. Unlike cars, bikers don't really have any rules to follow, and probably wouldn't worry about breaking them anyway because a high speed game of cat and mouse on bikes offers police officers absolutely no shot of ever getting on COPS. So, I've identified some of the top bike-hazzards right here on campus.
5. The "I'm a competative racing cyclist" guy
Oh, this guy's a real hot shot, what with the aerodynamic helmet and knee pads. These people often appear out of nowhere, racing around a curve with an intense expression on their faces. They ride those hunch-over bikes with thin wheels that seem to be completely incapable of turning, since they will just barrel right through an intersection or corner and just expect you to avoid them. Occasionally, they ring their little bell before they run into you, so that everytime your oven-timer goes off in the future you will have a flashback to your near death experience from the ensuing crash. The joke's on them though; they may get to class 30 seconds earlier than everyone else, but they have to sit the entire time in those ridiculous shorts.
"She's a very kinky girl, the type you don't take home to Motherrrrrrr..."
4. The "I wear sun glasses at night" guy
You were a loser in high school, and there's nothing you can do to hide that, least of all be careening about the parking lot at midnight while wearing smoked aviators. Bikes may be required to have little flashing lights, but people aren't, and neither are stationary objects such as cars or trashcans, by the way. (I will not quote an 80's song here because, as many astute readers may have already realized, the title of this one was a double whammy).
3. The "Oh look at me, I'm signaling my intended change of direction" guy
Now, this one is a real mystery to me. First of all, unless we are on a busy street, there is absolutely no good reason to adopt a signal system that no one else knows about. For all we know, you could very well be pointing out that really weird looking TA from the Sociology department. Better to just slow down at an intersection and assume that we are all fundamentally stupid, drugged up, or fans of Michael Bolton (these three criteria are by no means mutually exclusive).
"Don't stop 'till you get enough, JAMON!"
2. The "Must have coffee at all times" guy
Seriously, these guys remind me of those people who try to rush a severed appendage from the site of an accident to a hospital so it can be reattached. However, the motives here are somewhat less clear to me. "Doctor! We have a case of old coffee, it looks serious!". "How long has it been out?" "About 5 minutes". "Sounds bad, but let's see what we can do. Scalpel. Clamp. Sponge. Non-Dairy Creamer. Stir Stick. MY GOD... It's... it's gone slightely lukewarm! Nurse, fetch the microwave safe mug... STAT!". "I'm sorry doctor, I got it here as fast as I could, only some guy riding around with sunglasses clipped my rear wheel". Lesson learned: get a coffee machine, a thermos you can put in your backpack, or just switch to Folger's Crystals.
"SOME DAY, LOVE WILL FIND YOU, BREAK THOSE CHAINS THAT BIND YOU..."
1. Cell phone bikers!
Ach! you probably guessed this one in advance, but in case you didn't, I regret to inform you that the most annoying trend in the car world has now become the most annoying trend in the biking world. Seriously, Tiffany can wait five minutes to hear about your hot math section leader. 'Oh, my gosh, Tiff, he's sooooo hot! Hmmmm? What's that noise, you ask? why, that's just the agonized scream of a biker who swerved to miss me, crashed into a pole and spilled scalding hot coffee all over his face. MMMmmmm, looks like second degree burns at least. So, you coming to Late Nite with Jessie and me?"
"KEEP ON ROCKIN' IN THE FREE WORLD..."
The sun does many things. Now, before you adjust your wire-frame glasses, loudly wipe your nose with your shirt sleave and project your hand into the air with the intention of haltingly informing me that hydrogen atoms are compressed to form helium under unimaginable forces only experienced by human beings in level 5, stage 3 of the Dargahort Galaxy in Spaceport 3: Journey to Gortexobran, let me suggest that we look for things the sun does right here on planet earth. Besides making the plants grow and melting my ice sculpture of Dan Fogelberg that I had been working on for 2 months, it tends to bring out bikers. Lots of them. Unlike cars, bikers don't really have any rules to follow, and probably wouldn't worry about breaking them anyway because a high speed game of cat and mouse on bikes offers police officers absolutely no shot of ever getting on COPS. So, I've identified some of the top bike-hazzards right here on campus.
5. The "I'm a competative racing cyclist" guy
Oh, this guy's a real hot shot, what with the aerodynamic helmet and knee pads. These people often appear out of nowhere, racing around a curve with an intense expression on their faces. They ride those hunch-over bikes with thin wheels that seem to be completely incapable of turning, since they will just barrel right through an intersection or corner and just expect you to avoid them. Occasionally, they ring their little bell before they run into you, so that everytime your oven-timer goes off in the future you will have a flashback to your near death experience from the ensuing crash. The joke's on them though; they may get to class 30 seconds earlier than everyone else, but they have to sit the entire time in those ridiculous shorts.
"She's a very kinky girl, the type you don't take home to Motherrrrrrr..."
4. The "I wear sun glasses at night" guy
You were a loser in high school, and there's nothing you can do to hide that, least of all be careening about the parking lot at midnight while wearing smoked aviators. Bikes may be required to have little flashing lights, but people aren't, and neither are stationary objects such as cars or trashcans, by the way. (I will not quote an 80's song here because, as many astute readers may have already realized, the title of this one was a double whammy).
3. The "Oh look at me, I'm signaling my intended change of direction" guy
Now, this one is a real mystery to me. First of all, unless we are on a busy street, there is absolutely no good reason to adopt a signal system that no one else knows about. For all we know, you could very well be pointing out that really weird looking TA from the Sociology department. Better to just slow down at an intersection and assume that we are all fundamentally stupid, drugged up, or fans of Michael Bolton (these three criteria are by no means mutually exclusive).
"Don't stop 'till you get enough, JAMON!"
2. The "Must have coffee at all times" guy
Seriously, these guys remind me of those people who try to rush a severed appendage from the site of an accident to a hospital so it can be reattached. However, the motives here are somewhat less clear to me. "Doctor! We have a case of old coffee, it looks serious!". "How long has it been out?" "About 5 minutes". "Sounds bad, but let's see what we can do. Scalpel. Clamp. Sponge. Non-Dairy Creamer. Stir Stick. MY GOD... It's... it's gone slightely lukewarm! Nurse, fetch the microwave safe mug... STAT!". "I'm sorry doctor, I got it here as fast as I could, only some guy riding around with sunglasses clipped my rear wheel". Lesson learned: get a coffee machine, a thermos you can put in your backpack, or just switch to Folger's Crystals.
"SOME DAY, LOVE WILL FIND YOU, BREAK THOSE CHAINS THAT BIND YOU..."
1. Cell phone bikers!
Ach! you probably guessed this one in advance, but in case you didn't, I regret to inform you that the most annoying trend in the car world has now become the most annoying trend in the biking world. Seriously, Tiffany can wait five minutes to hear about your hot math section leader. 'Oh, my gosh, Tiff, he's sooooo hot! Hmmmm? What's that noise, you ask? why, that's just the agonized scream of a biker who swerved to miss me, crashed into a pole and spilled scalding hot coffee all over his face. MMMmmmm, looks like second degree burns at least. So, you coming to Late Nite with Jessie and me?"
"KEEP ON ROCKIN' IN THE FREE WORLD..."
posted by Bern at 3:19 PM
4 Comments:
yes!
Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! Why do I need to do this word verification again?
Chaz- I'm glad I provided you with some much needed distraction (after all, one can only watch "Monkey Versus Robot" online so many times). I'm not sure where you got the idea that I thought bikes were ridiculous- I ride a bike myself, only with a nominal regard for the safety of myself and others. Plus, I can do the little rolling-dismount thing, which really gets the girls.
Oh, and Charlie, I spoke with some of the workers in the Lakeside dining hall and they deeply resent the "West Coast cooks" stereotype. I'm not sure what makes you think that cooks in Wisconsin are any better than the cooks we have out here. They can make a delicious stir fry or pizza on demand and they deserve our respect as cooks no matter where their kitchen may lie. There!
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