As Promised...
Well, I now realize that I kind of backed myself into a corner last night when I promised I'd have something by Tuesday, so I guess I'm stuck writing without any theme or general sense of direction. Not unusual for me, I suppose.
So, honies, do you know what tonight was? It was "Full Moon on the Quad", where Stanford students all gather in the main quad and make out with random strangers. But that's not what I'm here to talk about. What I want to talk about is this: Oral Hygeine. Seriously, I can't get enough of this shit. Every time I go to the dentist, I always come in smuggly thinking to myself "Ah, I've been such a GOOD boy, dentaly speaking". But Nooooo! Every single time, that dental assistant squints her eyes and frowns after one look. OK, I don't know if they frown because they wear those masks, but STILL! And then they always write something esoteric and utterly unaccessable to all but those who have completed Brown Institute's rigorous 2 year program. The lecture is always the same, short and sweet. "Do you floss?". It's really a lecture, or even a gentle suggestion. Yet it is the single most guilt-inducing utterance I've been cursed with to date (with the possible exception of "are you wearing my panties?").
Anyway, long story short, they always send me home packing little containers of minty dental floss to incise my gums with for two days before I give up on it again. Ah, GLIDE, recommended by 2 out of 3 dentists. This got me to be thinking: dentists seem to have so much to say about the world, so much wisdom to share, yet we only poll them about dental products. I mean, they're smart guys right? They're not exactly brain surgeons or anything, but hey, at least they're down to earth enough to tell us what EVERYDAY people need, not just people with brain tumors or parkinson's disease (damn elitists!). We are sitting on a gold mine of knowledge here, people, if only we knew how to tap it. I mean, how many times has it happened to you that you're in the supermarket trying to decide which brand of, oh, say... salsa to buy. Now, normally we'd be taken in by clever packaging or a general appearance of pasteurization, but imagine if you knew what the DENTISTS thought! Life would be so easy! But we need not stop there, friends. Oh, no! Whenever you find yourselves at a moral crossroads, wouldn't it be nice if you knew what a DENTIST would do in this same situation? Imagine the classic moral conundrum involving the choice of a person in a train careening out of control to either switch the tracks and kill one person or keep on a straight course and cause the deaths of many. Now, this is a doozie, I'll admit. However, the Dentists would be our salvation! We'd just poll every dentist in the whole world and let the majority be the deciding factor.
Well, now, we've covered dentists, what can we talk about next? What really bugs me? OH, I know! Slutty girls! Seriously people, have some self respect! All I can say is that some day you're going to run into Kenny G in a dark alley and you won't be able to say no! [Segment deleted by author bucause he was really tired at the time and didn't realize what a jerk it made him sound like and has no wish to lose readers becuase of it}. Needless to say, I doubt this works very often, or if it does, it probably backfires horribly, turning little Johny into a shady regular at Madame Maloney's House of Starlight, which, incidentally, is recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
So, honies, do you know what tonight was? It was "Full Moon on the Quad", where Stanford students all gather in the main quad and make out with random strangers. But that's not what I'm here to talk about. What I want to talk about is this: Oral Hygeine. Seriously, I can't get enough of this shit. Every time I go to the dentist, I always come in smuggly thinking to myself "Ah, I've been such a GOOD boy, dentaly speaking". But Nooooo! Every single time, that dental assistant squints her eyes and frowns after one look. OK, I don't know if they frown because they wear those masks, but STILL! And then they always write something esoteric and utterly unaccessable to all but those who have completed Brown Institute's rigorous 2 year program. The lecture is always the same, short and sweet. "Do you floss?". It's really a lecture, or even a gentle suggestion. Yet it is the single most guilt-inducing utterance I've been cursed with to date (with the possible exception of "are you wearing my panties?").
Anyway, long story short, they always send me home packing little containers of minty dental floss to incise my gums with for two days before I give up on it again. Ah, GLIDE, recommended by 2 out of 3 dentists. This got me to be thinking: dentists seem to have so much to say about the world, so much wisdom to share, yet we only poll them about dental products. I mean, they're smart guys right? They're not exactly brain surgeons or anything, but hey, at least they're down to earth enough to tell us what EVERYDAY people need, not just people with brain tumors or parkinson's disease (damn elitists!). We are sitting on a gold mine of knowledge here, people, if only we knew how to tap it. I mean, how many times has it happened to you that you're in the supermarket trying to decide which brand of, oh, say... salsa to buy. Now, normally we'd be taken in by clever packaging or a general appearance of pasteurization, but imagine if you knew what the DENTISTS thought! Life would be so easy! But we need not stop there, friends. Oh, no! Whenever you find yourselves at a moral crossroads, wouldn't it be nice if you knew what a DENTIST would do in this same situation? Imagine the classic moral conundrum involving the choice of a person in a train careening out of control to either switch the tracks and kill one person or keep on a straight course and cause the deaths of many. Now, this is a doozie, I'll admit. However, the Dentists would be our salvation! We'd just poll every dentist in the whole world and let the majority be the deciding factor.
Well, now, we've covered dentists, what can we talk about next? What really bugs me? OH, I know! Slutty girls! Seriously people, have some self respect! All I can say is that some day you're going to run into Kenny G in a dark alley and you won't be able to say no! [Segment deleted by author bucause he was really tired at the time and didn't realize what a jerk it made him sound like and has no wish to lose readers becuase of it}. Needless to say, I doubt this works very often, or if it does, it probably backfires horribly, turning little Johny into a shady regular at Madame Maloney's House of Starlight, which, incidentally, is recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
posted by Bern at 1:24 AM
4 Comments:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
I went back and reread the passage and realized that it crossed the line. It's gone now. Thank you for telling me how you felt about it!
i usualy carry around a reel of flos just uncase string could come in handy some day. its free, and compact, and comes with its own dispenser. and if your lucky, it comes with a fresh mint scent too. what more could you want?
Hey did you delete my comment??
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