Well, you know what today is, dunechkas? Yup, that's right. The bane of junior-high students and divorced fourty-year-old men. The day of love, chocolate, and amphetamines. The feast of St. Valentine. Ah, yes, I can hear frumpy, awkward, unattractive people throwing themselves out of windows as I typety-type-type. Anyway, I had just gotten done writing my elaborate valentine to Dan Fogelberg when I realized something. One's "Valentine" is supposed to be a very special person in your life, right? I mean, like REALLY special? Like so special that you'd only have one? That's what I thought. Then why the hell does Wallmart sell 32-packs of the damn things? Has our society degenerated so far that now these companies have taken the day of love and turned it into a day of promiscuity and open-relationships, just ASSUMING that we're all sluts and man-whores who want it bad from 32 different people? Just remember Hallmark, "assume" makes an ass out of you and me, which probably turns you on, you bunch of corporate greeting card pervs! People blame the likes of Brittany Spears and Christina Aguilera for our young'ns growing up too fast, but I point the finger at the greeting card companies of America for embuing them with an unrealistically sexy standard of having 32 or more lovers simultaneously. Even the messages of these time-honored bearers of traditionally sanctioned fiery lust have changed. I mean, give me the good old Sweethearts candis that brought messages like "be mine" or "marry me" or "prenup?". These messages implied ABSOLUTE DEVOTION! Now all we have are wishy-washy, non-commital yet unequivocally erotic cards that might as well say "let's just get together for a casual fling and never see each other again". Tsk tsk. What have we come to?
I've often been told by my many admirers that I have so much love to give the world. I must say, they are correct in their judgment. I just wish I could give the whole world a GREAT BIG VALENTINE! But since that just isn't possible, I think I'll settle for taking over it and showing them all how to love... and serve their supreme overlord. But really, people don't know the plight of world dictators. They really are sensitive, creative people. Why, did you know that upon literary deconstruction, the quaint, whimsical children's song "I'm a Little Teapot" turns out to be a deftly crafted cry against the capitalist system and a call to arms for all young comrades of the New World Order? Before you laugh at me, just listen to my line-by-line justification of this claim:
"I'm a little teapot, short and stout/ This is my handle, this is my spout"
This line expresses the alienation that the speaker, undoubtedly a worker in one of those diabolical teapot-mines of South America, feels in his work. His humanity has been stolen from him by his employers, who demand constant labor from him for such little personal gratification that he now knows himself to be nothing but a producer of teapots, or even a teapot itself. The image of tea time also evokes the oppressive Bourgoisie rituals and traditions invented for the purpose of placating the masses and providing enjoyment to the super-rich.
"When I get all steamed up, hear me shout"
This line evokes the mounting frustration and revolutionary spirit that must arise in the heart of the oppressed worker if the capitalist pigs are ever to be deposed and begin the service of humanity. Unfortunately, this righteous anger is often perverted for the benefit of the ruling industrial classes, as we see in the final line:
"Tip me over and pour me out"
Here, the speaker relates how his very identity has been brewed and steeped by the bourgeoisie simply for the purpose of emptying him of all his humanity and identity for the sake of corporate gain and the preservation of the ruling class.
So, even communists can write a damn good nursery rhyme!
But me, as a dictator, I wouldn't go for all that liberation and equality shit. We all know that's just a put on. I would just like to spread mayhem and terror over the globe just for the hell of it. Just imagine: stuff just randomly blowing up and disco music playing- everybody getting jiggy with the will of the supreme emperor... People give this sort of political theory a bad rap, calling it nasty names like "paramilitarism" and "state-sponsored terrorism". I prefer to think of it as "keeping life full of surprises". As you all know, that's how I roll. I just want to spread the love, just like Moon-Flower-Dancer below (only I think she might end up spreading aids, too...)
